What if....

They say you can't live your life on "what if's" but it doesn't make it any easier. I don't care what has happened in your lifetime and how long it has been, you will always remember the day that you lost your child. Not everyone can understand what I am feeling but for those that do, I understand the pain. Right when you think you have accepted it and that "things are easier" now that they really aren't. Each year, at the same day/time/moment you realize when your life was drastically changed that only a few women can understand. Not that I am minimizing the feelings of the father but it's different. It's different because only I understand what it felt like to be kicked by both Lawton and Miller. The feeling of them rolling in my stomach, the feeling that they were hitting each other and sharing "feelings" and touches in utero. Does Miller remember his brother? I honestly think he does. THe other day it was thundering and threatening to rain. We were outside and he was enjoying it until the thunder was really loud...and he got scared. I tried to reassure himn that it was ok and I said that it was Lawton playing with God and was being pulled around in his new wagon--and Miller looked up and pointed---and said "baby". He was so right on and it was so amazing to know that he still felt the love and touch of his brother.

So does it get easier after the loss of one baby only to be survived by an incredible child? No.....the loss of a child will always be the death of a child. We just have to learn that there with much pain means that there is still love for both our children...the one here on earth and the child in heaven. That with each "anniversary" comes reflection of life and love...and that our love grows towards each other with every moment experienced and our sweet baby Miracle Miller. I love you Baby Lawton and remember the special moments that we had together.